Our popular Boring to Brilliant series got so many hits, we decided to run it again. Specifically, this episode which shows you how to use your voice to engage, excite and keep your listener’s attention.
Quick Tip #125: Vocal Variety
Be a leader who listens and doesn’t try to silence others
I recently read a quote by Pastor Andy Stanley of North Pointe Ministries in Georgia. He said: “Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say”.
That made me think about something that happened this month. A leader I work with asked me to listen to a webinar presented by a young inexperienced new hire and provide candid feedback.
In short, this is what I said:
It’s often difficult to have technical person communicate complex information in a way that is engaging and interesting as this is not their expertise and takes practice. Like many she read the script word for word and plowed through the slides without providing context, so she was difficult to follow. She needs to learn how to project a bit more, sound more engaged and pause so she sounds like she’s conversing and not reading. The best way you can help her is to have her practice with the script to internalize the information, then have her do it without the script or with just a few bullet points and record her so she can hear the difference. The more she does it, the more confident she will become.
His response surprised me. He said he thought she did a great job and “delivering the presentation in an engaging and interesting manner” was not the priority as long as she communicated in a factual way. He defensively disagreed with my feedback and told me her presentation was very well received. A little confused, I asked him what it was he wanted from me that perhaps I didn’t provide or if he just wanted me to agree with him. He didn’t respond.
When leaders ask for feedback but don’t seem to really want it, they can come across as insincere. Sometimes, they ask for feedback so they can appear open and approachable to their team or subordinates. Others may be seeking validation rather than genuinely wanting to improve or make changes, which I suspect was the issue here. In other situations, I’ve observed leaders request feedback as a formality to check the box without any intention of using constructive criticism to drive change.
To ask for feedback without a genuine commitment to listening, learning, and driving change can have negative consequences across entire organizations. Reducing employee engagement, eroding trust and dampening morale are just a few. Becoming a leader who genuinely listens to others and encourages open communication is crucial to fostering a healthy and productive work environment. Here are a few things you can do to become that type of leader.
- Make others feel safe. Let people know their opinions and ideas are welcome without negative consequences.
- Listen more. Talk less. When someone is speaking, avoid interrupting and disagreeing. If you do disagree, make them feel heard by asking open ended questions such as “why do you think that” or ‘how will what you’re suggesting help us improve”?
- Be approachable. I used to have a boss who said his door was always open. The truth is it was only open to a select few, which made many of us feel that he was not interested in our thoughts or concerns.
- Be empathetic. If you want to build rapport and connect with your team members, then try to sit in their seats to better understand their viewpoints.
- Dump the defense. When you receive feedback or hear opinions that challenge your beliefs, try to be objective and use the feedback as an opportunity for personal and professional growth.
Not wanting to burn any bridges, I emailed the leader who didn’t respond to my question regarding if there was something he wanted me to provide that I didn’t. I said:
“I’m not trying to give you a hard time. You asked for candid feedback and I provided it. I’m not expecting her to become an amazing presenter overnight. I do believe if you help her with the things I pointed out, over time she will become more confident and commanding.”
He responded that his own observations would be helpful in coaching her to present technical information.
As Pastor Stanley said, “leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say”.
I have nothing more to say to this leader because he is clearly not interested in anyone’s voice but his own. I hope his employees feel differently.
Why non-verbal communication must match verbal communication
Several days after Hamas attacked Israel, I turned on the TV and saw Republican Senator and Presidential candidate Tim Scott of South Carolina being interviewed on one of the morning shows. As the anchor discussed the horrific situation and loss of thousands of lives Scott was grinning from ear to ear. I was stunned. How can anyone smile in the face of such atrocities?
I realized that Scott was almost certainly not smiling at the sobering news, but rather was trying to appear pleasant and likeable for the TV audience. However, he likely came across differently than intended. When non-verbal communication doesn’t match what someone is saying, it can lead to various consequences including confusion, mistrust, and misunderstandings.
Sometimes these mismatched communications can be amusing and not as serious for those of us not running for President. For example, imagine someone nodding enthusiastically while emphatically saying “No”. The contradiction between the head movement and what they are actually saying might be amusing. Or think about a person who rolls their eyes while assuring someone they are excited about a mundane task. The non-verbal language sends a message that they are less than thrilled. Others may struggle to stifle laughter when delivering serious or sad news. It might be nervousness, but they can come across as inappropriate or awkward. Typically these examples are short-lived and harmless.
But what if you are a Presidential candidate, CEO, celebrity, or someone else in the limelight? Inconsistencies between verbal and non-verbal cues can leave listeners uncertain about someone’s true intentions or emotions. That leads to distrust and questions about the speaker’s authenticity and integrity. Here are a few notable examples:
- Richard Nixon: During the Watergate scandal, the 37th President of the United States exhibited defensive body language and perspired during news conferences which undermined his credibility.
- Lance Armstrong: Maintaining a very assertive tone, for years the cyclist strongly denied using performance enhancing drugs. However his non-verbal cues like fidgeting and avoiding direct eye contact during interviews raised suspicion. Eventually he admitted to doping.
- Bill Clinton: During the Monica Lewinsky scandal, former President Bil Clinton’s finger wagging denial of sexual relations with “that woman” seemed to contradict the evidence against him. It made his denial more memorable and perhaps unbelievable.
- Marion Barry: The former mayor of Washington, D.C. was caught on tape during a drug sting saying he was set up. When confronted, his non-verbal cues demonstrated a lack of remorse and sincerity.
- Britney Spears: In numerous interviews over the years, Spears often spoke positively about her life, but her non-verbal language such as nervous laughter has raised questions about the reality of her words.
You don’t have to be famous to experience how non-verbal cues can sometimes reveal inconsistencies with spoken words. In politics, business, sports, entertainment, or any industry, they should serve as reminders that when the two don’t match, they can be telling indicators of someone’s true thoughts and emotions even if they attempt to say otherwise.
A few years ago, I was preparing a spokesperson for a media interview. They were sharp, on message and articulate. Yet, when we played back the tape, we both noticed that this person was frequently raising their eyebrows while speaking. Instead of signaling interest or curiosity as raised eyebrows can do, in this case the raised eyebrows seemed to express uncertainty and confusion. The unintended communication was hard to overcome, but this individual did so through continued videotaping and playback to create more awareness.
In some cases, people may intentionally or unintentionally mask their true feelings through body language and facial expressions that don’t match what they are saying. If these contradictions persist, they can lead to a breakdown in communication. That leaves listeners frustrated, disengaged or uninterested in both listening and continuing a conversation.
That’s why it’s essential to encourage people to recognize and understand their own non-verbal cues and the potential impact on others.
Why Women Should Not Talk Like Men
In the past twenty-five years, I’ve led scores of leadership communication programs for women. In almost every program, regardless of experience and rank, someone asks me how women can communicate more like men.
After I take a deep breath so I don’t get angry or upset, I explain that we are not men and should not aspire to communicate like someone we’re not. If the individual is really asking how they can come across as stronger, more assertive and commanding like some of their male counterparts, my answer would still be the same. If you want listeners to see and hear you differently, you need to work on you regardless of gender.
Communication differences between male and females can be influenced by various factors including culture, socialization, parental role models and individual personality traits. Research shows girls tend to develop language skills earlier than boys which can result in girls using more complex words and sentence structure at an earlier age.
Girls can be more inclined to openly express their emotions whereas boys might be encouraged to suppress emotional communication. As girls grow, research says this often leads to girls being more comfortable discussing feelings and emotions. They same can be said for how boys and girls display different nonverbal communication. For example, girls may use more facial expressions and gestures to express themselves while boys rely more on body language and physical actions.
Just like young girls may learn it’s okay to discuss personal relationships, feelings and social issues, young boys learn to talk about sports, games, and activities. As we grow, this spills over to the workplace. Girls who learned to seek compromise and use verbal expression as children use the same techniques to resolve conflicts at work. They may be inclined to listen more actively and empathetically. Boys who are used to physical play and direct approaches carry that over to the workplace when focused on problem solving and offering solutions.
While these differences are general and vary from person to person, I believe breaking down gender stereotypes and encouraging everyone to express themselves authentically is key to promoting respectful healthy dialogue.
So when a woman asks me how to speak more like a man, I think she is not being true to herself. Gender stereotypes should not dictate how individuals communicate. Women and men should feel free to communicate in a way that feels genuine to them and not have to suppress their natural communication style. Additionally, it’s important to be adaptable to fit different situations.
Years back, I used to co-anchor the news with a male colleague. After a newscast, the boss summoned me to his office and stated from that moment on, only John would read the business news. When I asked why, he told me because John was a man, he was more credible when it came to delivering business news. While this was sexist, inappropriate and he was eventually fired for a myriad of reasons, that experience always reminds me of why it’s so important to treat everyone regardless of sex, race, culture, or any differences as equals. Being a strong communicator is an important skill that transcends gender. Here are a few key tips to help anyone develop strong communication skills.
Listening
Listen without interrupting or formulating your response when someone else is speaking.
Empathy
Sit in their seats to try and understand where someone else is coming from
Ask Questions
Encourage conversation by asking questions that invite others to share their thoughts and feelings.
Hit the Headline
Attention spans are dwindling so get to the point quickly. Long answers dilute messages.
Clarity
Avoid jargon and complicated language that can confused listeners. Keep it simple.
Tone
A friendly respectful but confident tone can make a difference in how your message is perceived.
Culture
Be aware of cultural differences in communication styles and respect the backgrounds of people you interact with. Strong communication isn’t about conforming to a gender-based style. It’s about being authentic, respectful
