Karen Friedman Enterprises
Creating compelling communicators.
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We used to have a dog named Bonnie. She was a sweet lovable canine unless you happened to be another canine. Then, all bets were off. She hated other dogs. I think it was a turf thing. If another dog, regardless of breed or size, came anywhere within her sight, she was all teeth and terrifying growls. We never let her out of the house unleashed though once she escaped and got into a tussle with a neighbor’s dog. Fortunately that unsuspecting victim was fine.
When we would occasionally go away, we would board Bonnie at a doggie day care facility. It was like camp for dogs, boasting play areas, socialization and grooming which could include a manicure or pedicure for your beloved pet. Since Bonnie wasn’t beloved by other dogs, we only signed her up for daily supervised walks.
While there is nothing funny about a potentially misbehaved dog, there is a humorous part to this story. Every time we picked Bonnie up, she was sent home with a report card. And every time without fail, the report card gave her an A+ specifically stating that she had a great time and made friends with the other dogs. Seriously? How could that be?
Given I had made it very clear that Bonnie needed a private room away from other pups, on more than one occasion I asked the owners how our dog could have made friends with other dogs given her isolation and dog disposition. They would shrug and laugh, never giving me a real answer.
Their report card marks, response or lack of one, comes under the category of telling a white lie. I didn’t think much of it back then, but today as a communications coach, I’m wondering, when are white lies, okay?
According to psychologists, white lies typically benefit the person listening. For example, if your friend has a medical condition, rather than complicate a child with all the details of the disease, you might just say our neighbor isn’t feeling well right now. Yes, it’s a white lie, but it’s also empathetic and sensitive.
Dr. Julia Breur, a licensed family therapist in Boca Raton, Florida says a white lie “is a well-intentioned untruth”. She says it’s a usually a small, deliberate harmless fib intended to spare someone’s feelings and let them down gently. For example, she advises instead of saying the turkey meatloaf that you don’t really like is delicious, you might say “this tastes different than other meatloaf I’ve had, and I like trying new things.”
But it’s important to differentiate between sparing someone’s feelings and actually lying. Lying is deliberately making a false statement like lying about your credentials. In the case of Bonnie’s doggie daycare, the phony report card combined with dodging my questions is more than a white lie. I trusted our pet with this facility and deserved to be told the truth. Evading the truth is an issue of trust. Because I no longer trusted the owners, we stopped taking our dog there. If they fibbed, even to please us, what else did they fudge or not tell us about? Did they heed our instructions to keep our dog away from other dogs? Did they walk her or keep her locked in a cage all day?
I believe there needs to be a balance between false statements for the sake of being kind and truth that others need to hear. A good communication technique we teach is called framing. It helps people answer tough questions with important audiences. For example, I recently worked with a manager who wanted to tell an employee how terrible his writing was. He was going to say, ‘I’ve shown you how to do this many times and obviously you just don’t get it.’ That is a very negative way to frame a message.
Instead, I suggested framing through truthful positive reinforcement to give the employee the confidence and encouragement he needs to improve. Perhaps say ‘I see you’re still struggling with writing copy. I’ve made some notes and suggestions you can use to revise what you gave me. Please let me know if you need more help.’
Perhaps friends have invited you out for the evening, but you had your heart set on binging Emily in Paris while you eat ice cream in your pajamas. Instead of saying I’d rather watch TV alone than go out with you, thanking them and saying you have other plans is a positive white lie, but it spares hurt feelings.
While being honest is almost always the best policy, the key is to differentiate when telling the cold hard truth is necessary or when a little white lie might help preserve someone’s feelings.
How do you keep listeners engaged during presentations and trainings that are both virtual and in-person at the same time? The key is creating inclusive content.
I have a client who has been cancelling meetings at the last minute. A few weeks ago, she said she was sick. After that, her dog needed attention. And last week, just minutes before our scheduled meeting, she emailed me to say she needs to go to her doctor. When she does show up, she’s often late.
Clearly, I was irritated given this has happened several times in a few weeks. I decided when she rescheduled, I was going to tell her this was unacceptable, that my time is valuable and if it continued, it would not be productive to work together. I had it all planned out.
A few days later she reschedules. I log onto Zoom expecting her to be late and there she is. Early. Before I have a chance to say a word, she launches into an apology and bursts into tears. Not sure what is going on, I ask what’s wrong and if she wants to talk about it.
Silence.
Then she says, I’m pregnant. I say that’s great, not understanding why she’s crying. She says well I mean I was pregnant. She explains when we were supposed to meet last week, she felt funny which is why she went to the doctor. She had a miscarriage.
I felt so sad for her. I was also so thankful that I didn’t scold her.
When you don’t know someone well which can be the case in business situations, it’s hard to know what’s going on in their lives that causes them to act or speak the way they do. It’s typically not about you even though it may affect you.
Think about the waitress who seems to have an attitude every time you ask why your order is taking so long. What you might not consider is because of staffing shortages, she is working overtime, feels unappreciated and harassed by customers who constantly blame her for order issues.
Or what about the guy who cut you off in traffic? Maybe he has a sick child or is dealing with a family emergency. He may not be thinking clearly.
It’s natural to react when we think we’ve been wronged. But it’s also important to identify situations where we can put ourselves in someone else’s shoes to understand what they’re going through.
I work with a group of city health officials who are intimately involved in the COVID-19 crisis. They have to deliver positive test results to people and advise them to quarantine or take precautions. Frequently, people are resistant and lash out at the workers, refusing to heed their advice. As we were role-playing some of these difficult conversations recently, it’s eye-opening to see what might seem like such an obvious course of action to many of us poses significant difficulties to others.
Some people are single parents and can’t afford to miss work. Others have spent years saving every penny they could to visit a loved one and refused to cancel their trips. Another worried taking too much time off would cost him his job.
The healthcare workers were great. They approached every interaction with compassion and kindness. When meeting resistance, they focused on other proactive behaviors such as the importance of mask wearing, hygiene and ventilation when gathering indoors.
As we were discussing best communication practices, one of the case workers advised looking beyond someone’s words and reactions. She said often people aren’t upset that they tested positive. They’re scared and worried about other pressing issues. She said there are three things you must do to establish rapport and foster more productive conversations.
When we fail to understand and acknowledge what someone else is feeling, we risk inflaming the situation even further and closing the door on important interactions. However, behaviorists say when we’re kind, it can actually set off a positive chain of reactions.
I recall the day my father died. It was snowing but I had to get out of the house and get some fresh air. So, in a bit of a daze, I went to my local Wawa and almost cut someone off in the parking lot. I was too self-absorbed to realize what I did and didn’t even wave an apology.
As I stood in line to pay my coffee, the cashier pointed to the man in front of me and said, he paid for you. I thanked him and asked why he was buying coffee for a stranger to which he replied, “You look like you’re having a bad day.”
That little act of kindness didn’t take away my pain, but it made me smile through my tears.
As I think back to my client who lost her baby, I know I can’t ease her pain. But I decided to share that I understood what she was going through because I too lost a baby while pregnant. That shared experience prompted a very open and raw conversation that connected us and has likely transformed our professional relationship.
While it’s not possible to know why a stranger cut you off in traffic or someone snaps at you for apparently no reason, simply recognizing that there may be something more behind their words and actions that might make you think twice about reacting back.
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