business

by Karen Friedman on August 31, 2023 Leave a Comment

Hand over the keys to empower your team to succeed.

Years ago my college aged son asked me if he could take his car back to school. I immediately said No!”. When he asked why, I danced around an explanation but gave no real reason other than I didn’t think he needed a car on campus. He reminded me that when I was his age, I had a car at school. Times were different, I told him as I heard my own mother in my head. He was a very responsible dean’s list student and other than he’s still my baby and I worry when he drives, I couldn’t come up with a good reason. He’s 32 now, married and a good driver. Yet, even now, sometimes I hesitate when I hand him the keys to my car.

While I never considered myself one of those overprotective helicopter parents, I have always been a worrier when it comes to my kids. Regardless of age, like parents everywhere, I want to protect them from harm but have come to realize that if I pump the brakes too often, I could send wrong messages about trust, independence, and responsibility—character traits I strongly admire in both of my boys.

It’s not that different in the workplace when bosses and managers are too controlling, which may send silent signals that they’re not confident in someone’s ability to get the job done. Like overprotected children, employees who are robbed of responsibility may be prevented from growing into strong leaders who by example have learned how to empower others.

As parents, it’s sometimes difficult to accept that as your children get older, you lose control. While leaders can’t always control what happens, like parents, they can foster understanding, shape perceptions and influence outcomes through communication. It should begin with encouraging two-way conversations at all levels.

Top down

The front office may make decisions, but it’s important not to leave middle management and other communicators out of the loop. These people can deliver your message and control rumors if they are kept informed.

Hear it from you

Talk to people, not about them. If you have a problem with someone or want them to do something differently, let them hear from you to avoid second-guessing and misinterpretation.

Be direct

Provide feedback that is specific, so people understand your expectations, what they need to work on and what tasks you want them to tackle.

Face to face

It’s easier to dash off an e-mail than pick up the phone or walk down the hall, but when times are tough or you have to deliver unpleasant news, nothing replaces face-to-face contact even if that’s online.

Easy does it

Put systems in place to foster open communication where people are not embarrassed to ask questions, seek feedback, and create dialogue. You may be surprised at the problems they solve.

Teach, don’t tell

Think about mentors you’ve had in your life. They lead by showing and helping, not by intimidation and fear or doing the work instead.

Speak from the heart

How your message is received can directly impact how your vision and direction is embraced. That’s why it’s so important to speak from your heart to their hearts so they understand how your words impact, benefits or affects them. When you make people feel valued, they will be more empowered to follow your lead.

In case you are wondering, I did agree to let my son take his car to school but only after I shared my concerns and laid down some rules. At the time, I knew he didn’t fully understand what the fuss was about, but he recognized Mom was slowly letting go. Perhaps if he has a family of his own one day, when the time is right, he’ll remember how he felt when Mom handed him the keys.

by Karen Friedman on July 3, 2023 Leave a Comment

How empathy helps executives create a stronger workplace

Consider these two scenarios:

1. An emotional employee shares a personal problem with their boss. Due to this difficult time in their life, they are requesting some time off. The boss doesn’t acknowledge their struggle and says “This really puts us in a bind. We’re already short-staffed and I don’t have anyone to fill in for you.”

2. In a different scenario, the same emotional employee explains their situation to a boss. This boss says “I’m so sorry that you are going through this, it must be very difficult for you. As you know, we are already short-staffed, but give me a day or two to figure something out.”

In the first scenario, the boss is devoid of empathy. Their self-absorbed response communicates a lack of compassion and an inability to step into someone else’s shoes. In the second scenario, the boss’s response signals understanding and willingness to find a solution. Even if that leader did not have an immediate solution, by acknowledging the employee’s situation and expressing empathy, the employee feels heard and understood.

Empathy is a key leadership skill that builds trust and strengthens relationships. While all of us, leaders included, have different levels of empathy, during difficult times the ability to acknowledge someone else’s problem, show concern and attempt to solve problems can forge a stronger and more unified workplace.

In a July 2020 McKinsey & Company article published in the Harvard Business Review, Paul Tufano, CEO of AmeriHealth Caritas explained “This has been a sustained period of uncertainty and fear, but also a great opportunity to forge a stronger, more cohesive, and more motivated workforce. If CEOs can step into a ministerial role — extending hands virtually, truly listening, relating to, and connecting with people where they are — there is enormous potential to inspire people and strengthen bonds and loyalties within the company.”

There are four key challenges of communicating without compassion in the workplace:

Misunderstandings and Misinterpretations: Without compassion, communication may just be an exchange of words that doesn’t convey true understanding. The lack of emotional tones behind someone’s words can result in conflicts and misunderstandings.

Emotional Disconnection: When someone fails to recognize the emotions of others, it can leave people feeling unheard and emotionally detached. That can cause frustration, anger, and a feeling of isolation.

Defensive and Reactive Responses: In the absence of empathy, people may feel threatened which causes tension and can prevent productive conversations.

Lack of Collaboration: Because compassion builds trust, it can facilitate collaboration. Otherwise, people may hesitate to share their thoughts and ideas fearing judgment or dismissive responses.

The Greek philosopher Epictetus is famous for the following quote: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” While his words were spoken more than two-thousand years ago, the importance of listening still holds true today. By giving your full attention to the person speaking, you are communicating that you are trying to understand their point of view.

To better communicate with empathy, consider these five key tips:

Focus on the other person, not yourself to make the person feel heard
Listen first, speak later.
Use words and phrases that demonstrate your concern such as “I understand how difficult this must be for you”.
Do not interrupt.
Ask clarifying and open-ended questions to promote dialogue and increase understanding.

The poet Maya Angelou is famous for saying “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

By making people feel heard and valued when we communicate with empathy and compassion, we can de-escalate situations and create a safe space for people to express their feelings. Safe spaces foster meaningful connections, strengthen relationships, resolve conflicts, and build stronger organizations.

by Karen Friedman on May 27, 2023 Leave a Comment

Breaking up with vendors can be hard. Don’t take the easy way out.

The e-mail from a long-time client came out of the blue.

“Thank you for your partnership over the years, but we have decided to go with a different vendor.” No explanation. No empathy. No sensitivity.

Granted, companies can hire and fire vendors anytime they like. They don’t even have to have a reason if they choose to work with someone else. But breaking up over email is impersonal, unprofessional, and rude.

Let me provide some context. We have worked with scores of people at this company for more than ten years. Our evaluations are off the charts, and we are repeatedly told we are the best communications coaches they have ever worked with. So this was completely unexpected. The person who fired us by email was new, so we hadn’t had any real contact with her. She didn’t know our work, probably didn’t check us out and insiders confided that she fired us so she could hire her friend’s company.

Again, she’s the boss so she can do what she wants. But, given our long-standing good working relationship, wouldn’t it have been more appropriate and respectful to call or have a face-to-face conversation in person or online? She could have said “we are appreciative of the great work you do for us, but due to some changes we’re making, we will not need your services in the foreseeable future.”

Unfortunately, when it comes to breaking up, many people take the easy way out. They might want to avoid confrontation, shy away from difficult conversations or aren’t interested in saving the relationship. In certain cases, the vendor may be located in a different time zone making it challenging to arrange an in-person meeting or call so e-mail may seem the most practical way to communicate.

Perhaps there are concerns about an individual’s emotional or volatile reaction which is why some employers may choose email as a way to maintain distance and ensure safety. However, these reasons should be the exception, not the norm. Communicating by phone or face-to-face conveys empathy, respect, and compassion for the other person. The absence of non-verbal cues such as tone of voice, facial expressions and body language can also be misinterpreted. Even a brief phone conversation allows immediate feedback, clarification, and the opportunity for closure.

Additionally relationships, even when terminated, may still be worth saving especially if the termination wasn’t due to any wrongdoing. The person doing the firing might not think they will ever need this vendor again, but there is no way to predict what type of services may be required in the future. When you prioritize effective communication and end relationships on good terms and don’t burn your bridges, you also bolster your own image and reputation.

Since email appeared to be this person’s communication preference, I responded in kind respectfully conveying my disappointment and sharing how much we enjoyed working with them. She never answered.

With such a positive history at this company, I had a feeling I would hear from them again and I was right. The call came two months later from a senior leader who confided they weren’t happy with the new vendor and wanted us back to work with select groups of people. He said the person who let us go would not be involved. While flattered, and said so, I was also hesitant.

When a company who previously fired you expresses interest in having you return, it’s important to consider your own circumstances and feelings as well by doing the following.

Express gratitude: Thank them for reaching out and expressing an interest in working with you again.

Seek clarity: If you want to understand why you were let go and what has transpired since your departure, ask questions. I asked and the senior leader said they are now contractually obligated to the vendor who replaced us so they would work around them without telling them.

Communicate your perspective: If you have reservations about returning, explain to them without being negative or confrontational. I have reservations about a company trying to hide something from a vendor. This makes me question their integrity.

Evaluate the situation: Take time to evaluate potential benefits and drawbacks of working with this company again.

Make an informed decision: In my case, I want to work with them again but only if they are transparent with the other vendor.

Remember, while it’s important to consider your own needs, it’s also important to approach all conversations with consideration, honesty, and respect. Having a constructive conversation demonstrates professionalism and a commitment to maintaining positive business relationships.

by Karen Friedman on May 3, 2023 Leave a Comment

How Bad Bosses Can Teach you to be a Good One

I’ve had a lot of bad bosses over the years. One man threw a typewriter through his office window when he got angry. Another screamed at someone in front of the entire staff, reducing her to tears. When I worked as a television news anchor in Milwaukee, my male boss wouldn’t let me deliver the business reports because he said it wouldn’t be credible coming from a woman. When I challenged him, he didn’t understand why that was sexist and told me if I didn’t keep quiet, he would have me suspended. It’s unfortunate that in five decades of working, I remember so many bad bosses and only a few great ones.

So I started thinking about what set those good bosses apart from the bad ones and realized they had something in common. Behavior and communication. The good bosses were empathetic, listened, treated people equally, made you feel valued, jumped in to help, praised you for great work and created an atmosphere of trust.

They used phrases like:

Thank you
You did a great job
We’re fortunate to have you
How can I help fix this?
What a great idea…let’s discuss this

The bad ones had different sets of rules for different people, created tension and stress in the workplace, took credit for others’ ideas and successes and often had such big egos that they prioritized their own agenda over the good of the team or organization. They said things like:

That sounds like a personal problem
This is our policy, I don’t make the rules
If you don’t like your job, I can find plenty of people to replace you
If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it
I’m in charge for a reason

And some of the really bad bosses I’ve had put you down in front of others, creating such a toxic environment that in my case, I literally struggled to breathe due to the anxiety this person provoked.

My brother Jordan Friedman, a stress management expert and host of The Chill Factory podcast says, “We all react differently to stressful situations, but public shaming can supersize one’s stress response because the issue at hand is no longer contained and far less manageable.” He goes on explain that, instead of a sensitive situation being between a team member and their supervisor, it’s now been spread to numerous colleagues at a minimum.

Friedman says, “This dramatically increases the threat, embarrassment, and potential consequences we feel around the conflict which in turn increases the magnitude of the physical and emotional reactions we have to it. So, a disagreement between you and your boss might lead to a bad mood that goes away in a day, while being called out and ridiculed in front of others might result in poor sleep, trouble focusing and avoidance of others for weeks.”

That said, there are things we can learn from even the worst bosses. Being a boss to others reminds me of how terrible some people made me feel. As a result, I never put colleagues down or talk about them to others. I go out of my way to compliment good work and to be available if someone wants an ear. In short, bad boss experiences teach you what not to say or do.

Ironically, or call it telepathic energy, I was thinking about Max Tooker, my former news director when I worked in Huntsville, Alabama and one of my good bosses when the phone rang. It was Max whom I hadn’t spoken to in decades.

He said he followed me on Facebook and had thought of me over the years so thought he’d call and see how I was doing. As we chatted and caught up on our lives, my former boss did what made him such a good mentor. He asked questions. He listened. He shared stories. He was compassionate. Like the old days when I worked for him, he sought my opinion.

Interestingly, Max and I are very different. We come from different cultures, have different political views and different opinions on social issues. None of it matters. Good bosses respect opposing viewpoints and opinions of others. I told Max I’ve also remembered him fondly over the years and thought he was one of the best bosses I’ve ever had. Through the phone he blushed and said how flattered he was.

Good bosses inspire you to be your best self.