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Why non-verbal communication must match verbal communication

Several days after Hamas attacked Israel, I turned on the TV and saw Republican Senator and Presidential candidate Tim Scott of South Carolina being interviewed on one of the morning shows. As the anchor discussed the horrific situation and loss of thousands of lives Scott was grinning from ear to ear. I was stunned. How can anyone smile in the face of such atrocities?

I realized that Scott was almost certainly not smiling at the sobering news, but rather was trying to appear pleasant and likeable for the TV audience. However, he likely came across differently than intended. When non-verbal communication doesn’t match what someone is saying, it can lead to various consequences including confusion, mistrust, and misunderstandings.

Sometimes these mismatched communications can be amusing and not as serious for those of us not running for President. For example, imagine someone nodding enthusiastically while emphatically saying “No”. The contradiction between the head movement and what they are actually saying might be amusing. Or think about a person who rolls their eyes while assuring someone they are excited about a mundane task. The non-verbal language sends a message that they are less than thrilled. Others may struggle to stifle laughter when delivering serious or sad news. It might be nervousness, but they can come across as inappropriate or awkward. Typically these examples are short-lived and harmless.

But what if you are a Presidential candidate, CEO, celebrity, or someone else in the limelight? Inconsistencies between verbal and non-verbal cues can leave listeners uncertain about someone’s true intentions or emotions. That leads to distrust and questions about the speaker’s authenticity and integrity. Here are a few notable examples:

  1. Richard Nixon: During the Watergate scandal, the 37th President of the United States exhibited defensive body language and perspired during news conferences which undermined his credibility.
  2. Lance Armstrong: Maintaining a very assertive tone, for years the cyclist strongly denied using performance enhancing drugs. However his non-verbal cues like fidgeting and avoiding direct eye contact during interviews raised suspicion. Eventually he admitted to doping.
  3. Bill Clinton: During the Monica Lewinsky scandal, former President Bil Clinton’s finger wagging denial of sexual relations with “that woman” seemed to contradict the evidence against him. It made his denial more memorable and perhaps unbelievable.
  4. Marion Barry: The former mayor of Washington, D.C. was caught on tape during a drug sting saying he was set up. When confronted, his non-verbal cues demonstrated a lack of remorse and sincerity.
  5. Britney Spears: In numerous interviews over the years, Spears often spoke positively about her life, but her non-verbal language such as nervous laughter has raised questions about the reality of her words.

You don’t have to be famous to experience how non-verbal cues can sometimes reveal inconsistencies with spoken words. In politics, business, sports, entertainment, or any industry, they should serve as reminders that when the two don’t match, they can be telling indicators of someone’s true thoughts and emotions even if they attempt to say otherwise.

A few years ago, I was preparing a spokesperson for a media interview. They were sharp, on message and articulate. Yet, when we played back the tape, we both noticed that this person was frequently raising their eyebrows while speaking. Instead of signaling interest or curiosity as raised eyebrows can do, in this case the raised eyebrows seemed to express uncertainty and confusion. The unintended communication was hard to overcome, but this individual did so through continued videotaping and playback to create more awareness.

In some cases, people may intentionally or unintentionally mask their true feelings through body language and facial expressions that don’t match what they are saying. If these contradictions persist, they can lead to a breakdown in communication. That leaves listeners frustrated, disengaged or uninterested in both listening and continuing a conversation.

That’s why it’s essential to encourage people to recognize and understand their own non-verbal cues and the potential impact on others.

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When it’s OK to Tell a White Lie

We used to have a dog named Bonnie. She was a sweet lovable canine unless you happened to be another canine. Then, all bets were off. She hated other dogs. I think it was a turf thing. If another dog, regardless of breed or size, came anywhere within her sight, she was all teeth and terrifying growls. We never let her out of the house unleashed though once she escaped and got into a tussle with a neighbor’s dog. Fortunately that unsuspecting victim was fine.

When we would occasionally go away, we would board Bonnie at a doggie day care facility. It was like camp for dogs, boasting play areas, socialization and grooming which could include a manicure or pedicure for your beloved pet. Since Bonnie wasn’t beloved by other dogs, we only signed her up for daily supervised walks.

While there is nothing funny about a potentially misbehaved dog, there is a humorous part to this story. Every time we picked Bonnie up, she was sent home with a report card. And every time without fail, the report card gave her an A+ specifically stating that she had a great time and made friends with the other dogs. Seriously? How could that be?

Given I had made it very clear that Bonnie needed a private room away from other pups, on more than one occasion I asked the owners how our dog could have made friends with other dogs given her isolation and dog disposition. They would shrug and laugh, never giving me a real answer. 

Their report card marks, response or lack of one, comes under the category of telling a white lie. I didn’t think much of it back then, but today as a communications coach, I’m wondering, when are white lies, okay?

According to psychologists, white lies typically benefit the person listening. For example, if your friend has a medical condition, rather than complicate a child with all the details of the disease, you might just say our neighbor isn’t feeling well right now. Yes, it’s a white lie, but it’s also empathetic and sensitive.

Dr. Julia Breur, a licensed family therapist in Boca Raton, Florida says a white lie “is a well-intentioned untruth”. She says it’s a usually a small, deliberate harmless fib intended to spare someone’s feelings and let them down gently. For example, she advises instead of saying the turkey meatloaf that you don’t really like is delicious, you might say “this tastes different than other meatloaf I’ve had, and I like trying new things.”

But it’s important to differentiate between sparing someone’s feelings and actually lying. Lying is deliberately making a false statement like lying about your credentials.  In the case of Bonnie’s doggie daycare, the phony report card combined with dodging my questions is more than a white lie. I trusted our pet with this facility and deserved to be told the truth. Evading the truth is an issue of trust. Because I no longer trusted the owners, we stopped taking our dog there. If they fibbed, even to please us, what else did they fudge or not tell us about? Did they heed our instructions to keep our dog away from other dogs? Did they walk her or keep her locked in a cage all day?

I believe there needs to be a balance between false statements for the sake of being kind and truth that others need to hear. A good communication technique we teach is called framing. It helps people answer tough questions with important audiences. For example, I recently worked with a manager who wanted to tell an employee how terrible his writing was. He was going to say, ‘I’ve shown you how to do this many times and obviously you just don’t get it.’ That is a very negative way to frame a message.

Instead, I suggested framing through truthful positive reinforcement to give the employee the confidence and encouragement he needs to improve. Perhaps say ‘I see you’re still struggling with writing copy. I’ve made some notes and suggestions you can use to revise what you gave me. Please let me know if you need more help.’

Perhaps friends have invited you out for the evening, but you had your heart set on binging Emily in Paris while you eat ice cream in your pajamas. Instead of saying I’d rather watch TV alone than go out with you, thanking them and saying you have other plans is a positive white lie, but it spares hurt feelings.

While being honest is almost always the best policy, the key is to differentiate when telling the cold hard truth is necessary or when a little white lie might help preserve someone’s feelings.

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