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Be a leader who listens and doesn’t try to silence others

I recently read a quote by Pastor Andy Stanley of North Pointe Ministries in Georgia. He said: “Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say”.

That made me think about something that happened this month. A leader I work with asked me to listen to a webinar presented by a young inexperienced new hire and provide candid feedback.

In short, this is what I said:

It’s often difficult to have technical person communicate complex information in a way that is engaging and interesting as this is not their expertise and takes practice. Like many she read the script word for word and plowed through the slides without providing context, so she was difficult to follow. She needs to learn how to project a bit more, sound more engaged and pause so she sounds like she’s conversing and not reading. The best way you can help her is to have her practice with the script to internalize the information, then have her do it without the script or with just a few bullet points and record her so she can hear the difference. The more she does it, the more confident she will become.

His response surprised me. He said he thought she did a great job and “delivering the presentation in an engaging and interesting manner” was not the priority as long as she communicated in a factual way. He defensively disagreed with my feedback and told me her presentation was very well received. A little confused, I asked him what it was he wanted from me that perhaps I didn’t provide or if he just wanted me to agree with him. He didn’t respond.

When leaders ask for feedback but don’t seem to really want it, they can come across as insincere. Sometimes, they ask for feedback so they can appear open and approachable to their team or subordinates. Others may be seeking validation rather than genuinely wanting to improve or make changes, which I suspect was the issue here. In other situations, I’ve observed leaders request feedback as a formality to check the box without any intention of using constructive criticism to drive change.

To ask for feedback without a genuine commitment to listening, learning, and driving change can have negative consequences across entire organizations. Reducing employee engagement, eroding trust and dampening morale are just a few. Becoming a leader who genuinely listens to others and encourages open communication is crucial to fostering a healthy and productive work environment. Here are a few things you can do to become that type of leader.

  1. Make others feel safe. Let people know their opinions and ideas are welcome without negative consequences.
  2. Listen more. Talk less. When someone is speaking, avoid interrupting and disagreeing. If you do disagree, make them feel heard by asking open ended questions such as “why do you think that” or ‘how will what you’re suggesting help us improve”?
  3. Be approachable. I used to have a boss who said his door was always open. The truth is it was only open to a select few, which made many of us feel that he was not interested in our thoughts or concerns.
  4. Be empathetic. If you want to build rapport and connect with your team members, then try to sit in their seats to better understand their viewpoints.
  5. Dump the defense. When you receive feedback or hear opinions that challenge your beliefs, try to be objective and use the feedback as an opportunity for personal and professional growth.

Not wanting to burn any bridges, I emailed the leader who didn’t respond to my question regarding if there was something he wanted me to provide that I didn’t. I said:

“I’m not trying to give you a hard time. You asked for candid feedback and I provided it. I’m not expecting her to become an amazing presenter overnight. I do believe if you help her with the things I pointed out, over time she will become more confident and commanding.”

He responded that his own observations would be helpful in coaching her to present technical information.

As Pastor Stanley said, “leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say”.

I have nothing more to say to this leader because he is clearly not interested in anyone’s voice but his own. I hope his employees feel differently.

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Hand over the keys to empower your team to succeed.

Years ago my college aged son asked me if he could take his car back to school. I immediately said No!”. When he asked why, I danced around an explanation but gave no real reason other than I didn’t think he needed a car on campus. He reminded me that when I was his age, I had a car at school. Times were different, I told him as I heard my own mother in my head. He was a very responsible dean’s list student and other than he’s still my baby and I worry when he drives, I couldn’t come up with a good reason. He’s 32 now, married and a good driver. Yet, even now, sometimes I hesitate when I hand him the keys to my car.

While I never considered myself one of those overprotective helicopter parents, I have always been a worrier when it comes to my kids. Regardless of age, like parents everywhere, I want to protect them from harm but have come to realize that if I pump the brakes too often, I could send wrong messages about trust, independence, and responsibility—character traits I strongly admire in both of my boys.

It’s not that different in the workplace when bosses and managers are too controlling, which may send silent signals that they’re not confident in someone’s ability to get the job done. Like overprotected children, employees who are robbed of responsibility may be prevented from growing into strong leaders who by example have learned how to empower others.

As parents, it’s sometimes difficult to accept that as your children get older, you lose control. While leaders can’t always control what happens, like parents, they can foster understanding, shape perceptions and influence outcomes through communication. It should begin with encouraging two-way conversations at all levels.

Top down

The front office may make decisions, but it’s important not to leave middle management and other communicators out of the loop. These people can deliver your message and control rumors if they are kept informed.

Hear it from you

Talk to people, not about them. If you have a problem with someone or want them to do something differently, let them hear from you to avoid second-guessing and misinterpretation.

Be direct

Provide feedback that is specific, so people understand your expectations, what they need to work on and what tasks you want them to tackle.

Face to face

It’s easier to dash off an e-mail than pick up the phone or walk down the hall, but when times are tough or you have to deliver unpleasant news, nothing replaces face-to-face contact even if that’s online.

Easy does it

Put systems in place to foster open communication where people are not embarrassed to ask questions, seek feedback, and create dialogue. You may be surprised at the problems they solve.

Teach, don’t tell

Think about mentors you’ve had in your life. They lead by showing and helping, not by intimidation and fear or doing the work instead.

Speak from the heart

How your message is received can directly impact how your vision and direction is embraced. That’s why it’s so important to speak from your heart to their hearts so they understand how your words impact, benefits or affects them. When you make people feel valued, they will be more empowered to follow your lead.

In case you are wondering, I did agree to let my son take his car to school but only after I shared my concerns and laid down some rules. At the time, I knew he didn’t fully understand what the fuss was about, but he recognized Mom was slowly letting go. Perhaps if he has a family of his own one day, when the time is right, he’ll remember how he felt when Mom handed him the keys.

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How empathy helps executives create a stronger workplace

    Consider these two scenarios:

    1. An emotional employee shares a personal problem with their boss. Due to this difficult time in their life, they are requesting some time off. The boss doesn’t acknowledge their struggle and says “This really puts us in a bind. We’re already short-staffed and I don’t have anyone to fill in for you.”

    2. In a different scenario, the same emotional employee explains their situation to a boss. This boss says “I’m so sorry that you are going through this, it must be very difficult for you. As you know, we are already short-staffed, but give me a day or two to figure something out.”

      In the first scenario, the boss is devoid of empathy. Their self-absorbed response communicates a lack of compassion and an inability to step into someone else’s shoes. In the second scenario, the boss’s response signals understanding and willingness to find a solution. Even if that leader did not have an immediate solution, by acknowledging the employee’s situation and expressing empathy, the employee feels heard and understood.

      Empathy is a key leadership skill that builds trust and strengthens relationships. While all of us, leaders included, have different levels of empathy, during difficult times the ability to acknowledge someone else’s problem, show concern and attempt to solve problems can forge a stronger and more unified workplace.

      In a July 2020 McKinsey & Company article published in the Harvard Business Review, Paul Tufano, CEO of AmeriHealth Caritas explained “This has been a sustained period of uncertainty and fear, but also a great opportunity to forge a stronger, more cohesive, and more motivated workforce. If CEOs can step into a ministerial role — extending hands virtually, truly listening, relating to, and connecting with people where they are — there is enormous potential to inspire people and strengthen bonds and loyalties within the company.”

      There are four key challenges of communicating without compassion in the workplace:

      • Misunderstandings and Misinterpretations: Without compassion, communication may just be an exchange of words that doesn’t convey true understanding. The lack of emotional tones behind someone’s words can result in conflicts and misunderstandings.
      • Emotional Disconnection: When someone fails to recognize the emotions of others, it can leave people feeling unheard and emotionally detached. That can cause frustration, anger, and a feeling of isolation.
      • Defensive and Reactive Responses: In the absence of empathy, people may feel threatened which causes tension and can prevent productive conversations.
      • Lack of Collaboration: Because compassion builds trust, it can facilitate collaboration. Otherwise, people may hesitate to share their thoughts and ideas fearing judgment or dismissive responses.

      The Greek philosopher Epictetus is famous for the following quote: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” While his words were spoken more than two-thousand years ago, the importance of listening still holds true today. By giving your full attention to the person speaking, you are communicating that you are trying to understand their point of view.

      To better communicate with empathy, consider these five key tips:

      1. Focus on the other person, not yourself to make the person feel heard
      2. Listen first, speak later.
      3. Use words and phrases that demonstrate your concern such as “I understand how difficult this must be for you”.
      4. Do not interrupt.
      5.  Ask clarifying and open-ended questions to promote dialogue and increase understanding.

      The poet Maya Angelou is famous for saying “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

      By making people feel heard and valued when we communicate with empathy and compassion, we can de-escalate situations and create a safe space for people to express their feelings. Safe spaces foster meaningful connections, strengthen relationships, resolve conflicts, and build stronger organizations.

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      Human Interaction is Key

      My husband and I had parked our car in a hotel parking lot near the Philadelphia International Airport. When we returned on a cold rainy night, our car was dead. We went into the hotel to see if anyone had jumper cables. No luck. We asked hotel guests and the shuttle drivers if they could help. No one could. So my husband calls the 24-hour roadside assistance for Subaru which they tout as a benefit of owning a Subaru. Their assistance promises a myriad of services including “Jump-start if your battery is dead”.

      It appears their customer service had also died. He opens the Subaru app on his phone which has two help options. Call the Subaru 800 number of submit an online request. He selects on-line, but it wants him to enter the last few numbers of his VIN (vehicle identification number), so he had to close the app to locate his insurance card which contains the VIN.

      Next, he tries option two, the 800 number. That took him to an automated call which texted him a link to get the help process started. Only, when he clicked the link, it said it couldn’t find his profile. It then asked him to manually enter his multiple digit VIN number, which was difficult to read in a dark parking lot with heavy rain splattering the windshield.

      Tick Tock.

      He then uses his phone to take a picture of the VIN number and tries to enlarge it so he can enter it as requested, but the system times out and disconnects him.

      Frustrated, he’s not sure what to do and I’m furious that we can’t speak to a human being to get service and find out how long it will take given it’s getting later and later. He decides to try again. That’s when I decided to take matters into my own hands and do what any stranded sleuth would do. I turned to the internet.

      Googling jumper cable help and dead battery roadside assistance a wealth of options pop up. I call the first number I see and immediately someone picks up.

      Me: “Hi, we are in a parking lot near the airport and our car won’t start. Do you jump dead batteries?”

      Him: “Yes ma’am”.

      Me: “How soon can you be here?”

      Him: “I’m out in King of Prussia, so 35-40 minutes. Please text me the address. I’ll pull up to the door in a silver van. My name is Jacquees.”

      Amazed, I call my husband, who is still in the parking lot trying to contact Subaru and tell him to hang up. I have it covered. Sure enough, true to his word. Jacquees shows up about 40 minutes later. Problem solved. We drove home.

      I love technology and, in most cases, I find it time saving and valuable. But the companies that develop ‘help’ technology can learn a lot from Jacquees about the importance of customer communication and interaction.

      From automated responses, completing orders, reminding us of appointments and even depositing money into our accounts, it sometimes seems like human communication is becoming extinct. Sitting on hold, being directed to navigate a series of automated prompts, being misrouted, getting disconnected and not being able to reach a human is infuriating. After all, what good is a help line if it doesn’t help?

      According to a 2022 survey conducted by OnePoll, a market research firm, a new survey of 2000 Americans reveals that 24 percent would opt to shave their head rather than wait online to speak to customer service. Respondents said they would also rather do their taxes or go to the dentist. And twenty-two percent said they’d rather spend a night in jail over dealing with a customer support representative.

      The survey went on to say the average person spends 42 minutes on hold each time they contact customer service, which they have to do approximately three times per issue. When a human being finally does respond, OnePoll found their issue is resolved in less than half the time.

      Simonetta Turek, General Manager of Customer Experience Products for Twilio, a digital customer engagement firm says, “customers expect a different experience from businesses—one that is personalized from the very first interaction, from the point of sale all the way to when they reach out for assistance.”

      I think that’s what Subaru and other companies miss. While they are taking advantage of available technology to save money and provide functional solutions, customers like me want responsiveness and a personal touch we can’t get from a robot or automated system. That’s why in today’s programmable environment, Jacquees seemed so unique.

      When he arrived, he handed me his business card which says personal driver, lock outs, dead batteries, flat tires and gas fill up 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. I also admire how hard he must work at all hours regardless of weather.

      As more machines are brought on to help us humans, I think companies can take a lesson from Jacquees. By learning what we value in personal service, they may be able to program robots to be more responsive, friendlier and create easier access routes to speak to real people. If they can do that, frustrated customers will feel seen and heard.

      That will make our robots more appreciated and easier to communicate with like Jacquees.

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