Karen Friedman Enterprises

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Breaking up with vendors can be hard. Don’t take the easy way out.

The e-mail from a long-time client came out of the blue. 

“Thank you for your partnership over the years, but we have decided to go with a different vendor.” No explanation. No empathy. No sensitivity. 

Granted, companies can hire and fire vendors anytime they like. They don’t even have to have a reason if they choose to work with someone else. But breaking up over email is impersonal, unprofessional, and rude. 

Let me provide some context. We have worked with scores of people at this company for more than ten years. Our evaluations are off the charts, and we are repeatedly told we are the best communications coaches they have ever worked with. So this was completely unexpected. The person who fired us by email was new, so we hadn’t had any real contact with her. She didn’t know our work, probably didn’t check us out and insiders confided that she fired us so she could hire her friend’s company. 

Again, she’s the boss so she can do what she wants. But, given our long-standing good working relationship, wouldn’t it have been more appropriate and respectful to call or have a face-to-face conversation in person or online? She could have said “we are appreciative of the great work you do for us, but due to some changes we’re making, we will not need your services in the foreseeable future.”  

Unfortunately, when it comes to breaking up, many people take the easy way out. They might want to avoid confrontation, shy away from difficult conversations or aren’t interested in saving the relationship. In certain cases, the vendor may be located in a different time zone making it challenging to arrange an in-person meeting or call so e-mail may seem the most practical way to communicate. 

Perhaps there are concerns about an individual’s emotional or volatile reaction which is why some employers may choose email as a way to maintain distance and ensure safety. However, these reasons should be the exception, not the norm. Communicating by phone or face-to-face conveys empathy, respect, and compassion for the other person. The absence of non-verbal cues such as tone of voice, facial expressions and body language can also be misinterpreted. Even a brief phone conversation allows immediate feedback, clarification, and the opportunity for closure. 

Additionally relationships, even when terminated, may still be worth saving especially if the termination wasn’t due to any wrongdoing. The person doing the firing might not think they will ever need this vendor again, but there is no way to predict what type of services may be required in the future. When you prioritize effective communication and end relationships on good terms and don’t burn your bridges, you also bolster your own image and reputation. 

Since email appeared to be this person’s communication preference, I responded in kind respectfully conveying my disappointment and sharing how much we enjoyed working with them. She never answered. 

With such a positive history at this company, I had a feeling I would hear from them again and I was right. The call came two months later from a senior leader who confided they weren’t happy with the new vendor and wanted us back to work with select groups of people. He said the person who let us go would not be involved. While flattered, and said so, I was also hesitant. 

When a company who previously fired you expresses interest in having you return, it’s important to consider your own circumstances and feelings as well by doing the following. 

  1. Express gratitude: Thank them for reaching out and expressing an interest in working with you again. 
  1. Seek clarity: If you want to understand why you were let go and what has transpired since your departure, ask questions. I asked and the senior leader said they are now contractually obligated to the vendor who replaced us so they would work around them without telling them.  
  1. Communicate your perspective: If you have reservations about returning, explain to them without being negative or confrontational. I have reservations about a company trying to hide something from a vendor. This makes me question their integrity. 
  1. Evaluate the situation: Take time to evaluate potential benefits and drawbacks of working with this company again.  
  1. Make an informed decision: In my case, I want to work with them again but only if they are transparent with the other vendor.  

Remember, while it’s important to consider your own needs, it’s also important to approach all conversations with consideration, honesty, and respect. Having a constructive conversation demonstrates professionalism and a commitment to maintaining positive business relationships. 

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How Bad Bosses Can Teach you to be a Good One

I’ve had a lot of bad bosses over the years. One man threw a typewriter through his office window when he got angry. Another screamed at someone in front of the entire staff, reducing her to tears. When I worked as a television news anchor in Milwaukee, my male boss wouldn’t let me deliver the business reports because he said it wouldn’t be credible coming from a woman. When I challenged him, he didn’t understand why that was sexist and told me if I didn’t keep quiet, he would have me suspended. It’s unfortunate that in five decades of working, I remember so many bad bosses and only a few great ones.

So I started thinking about what set those good bosses apart from the bad ones and realized they had something in common. Behavior and communication. The good bosses were empathetic, listened, treated people equally, made you feel valued, jumped in to help, praised you for great work and created an atmosphere of trust.

They used phrases like:

  • Thank you
  • You did a great job
  • We’re fortunate to have you
  • How can I help fix this?
  • What a great idea…let’s discuss this

The bad ones had different sets of rules for different people, created tension and stress in the workplace, took credit for others’ ideas and successes and often had such big egos that they prioritized their own agenda over the good of the team or organization. They said things like:

  • That sounds like a personal problem
  • This is our policy, I don’t make the rules
  • If you don’t like your job, I can find plenty of people to replace you
  • If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it
  • I’m in charge for a reason

And some of the really bad bosses I’ve had put you down in front of others, creating such a toxic environment that in my case, I literally struggled to breathe due to the anxiety this person provoked.

My brother Jordan Friedman, a stress management expert and host of The Chill Factory podcast says, “We all react differently to stressful situations, but public shaming can supersize one’s stress response because the issue at hand is no longer contained and far less manageable.” He goes on explain that, instead of a sensitive situation being between a team member and their supervisor, it’s now been spread to numerous colleagues at a minimum.

Friedman says, “This dramatically increases the threat, embarrassment, and potential consequences we feel around the conflict which in turn increases the magnitude of the physical and emotional reactions we have to it. So, a disagreement between you and your boss might lead to a bad mood that goes away in a day, while being called out and ridiculed in front of others might result in poor sleep, trouble focusing and avoidance of others for weeks.”

That said, there are things we can learn from even the worst bosses. Being a boss to others reminds me of how terrible some people made me feel. As a result, I never put colleagues down or talk about them to others. I go out of my way to compliment good work and to be available if someone wants an ear. In short, bad boss experiences teach you what not to say or do.

Ironically, or call it telepathic energy, I was thinking about Max Tooker, my former news director when I worked in Huntsville, Alabama and one of my good bosses when the phone rang. It was Max whom I hadn’t spoken to in decades.

He said he followed me on Facebook and had thought of me over the years so thought he’d call and see how I was doing. As we chatted and caught up on our lives, my former boss did what made him such a good mentor. He asked questions. He listened. He shared stories. He was compassionate. Like the old days when I worked for him, he sought my opinion.

Interestingly, Max and I are very different. We come from different cultures, have different political views and different opinions on social issues. None of it matters. Good bosses respect opposing viewpoints and opinions of others. I told Max I’ve also remembered him fondly over the years and thought he was one of the best bosses I’ve ever had. Through the phone he blushed and said how flattered he was.  

Good bosses inspire you to be your best self.

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When it’s OK to Tell a White Lie

We used to have a dog named Bonnie. She was a sweet lovable canine unless you happened to be another canine. Then, all bets were off. She hated other dogs. I think it was a turf thing. If another dog, regardless of breed or size, came anywhere within her sight, she was all teeth and terrifying growls. We never let her out of the house unleashed though once she escaped and got into a tussle with a neighbor’s dog. Fortunately that unsuspecting victim was fine.

When we would occasionally go away, we would board Bonnie at a doggie day care facility. It was like camp for dogs, boasting play areas, socialization and grooming which could include a manicure or pedicure for your beloved pet. Since Bonnie wasn’t beloved by other dogs, we only signed her up for daily supervised walks.

While there is nothing funny about a potentially misbehaved dog, there is a humorous part to this story. Every time we picked Bonnie up, she was sent home with a report card. And every time without fail, the report card gave her an A+ specifically stating that she had a great time and made friends with the other dogs. Seriously? How could that be?

Given I had made it very clear that Bonnie needed a private room away from other pups, on more than one occasion I asked the owners how our dog could have made friends with other dogs given her isolation and dog disposition. They would shrug and laugh, never giving me a real answer. 

Their report card marks, response or lack of one, comes under the category of telling a white lie. I didn’t think much of it back then, but today as a communications coach, I’m wondering, when are white lies, okay?

According to psychologists, white lies typically benefit the person listening. For example, if your friend has a medical condition, rather than complicate a child with all the details of the disease, you might just say our neighbor isn’t feeling well right now. Yes, it’s a white lie, but it’s also empathetic and sensitive.

Dr. Julia Breur, a licensed family therapist in Boca Raton, Florida says a white lie “is a well-intentioned untruth”. She says it’s a usually a small, deliberate harmless fib intended to spare someone’s feelings and let them down gently. For example, she advises instead of saying the turkey meatloaf that you don’t really like is delicious, you might say “this tastes different than other meatloaf I’ve had, and I like trying new things.”

But it’s important to differentiate between sparing someone’s feelings and actually lying. Lying is deliberately making a false statement like lying about your credentials.  In the case of Bonnie’s doggie daycare, the phony report card combined with dodging my questions is more than a white lie. I trusted our pet with this facility and deserved to be told the truth. Evading the truth is an issue of trust. Because I no longer trusted the owners, we stopped taking our dog there. If they fibbed, even to please us, what else did they fudge or not tell us about? Did they heed our instructions to keep our dog away from other dogs? Did they walk her or keep her locked in a cage all day?

I believe there needs to be a balance between false statements for the sake of being kind and truth that others need to hear. A good communication technique we teach is called framing. It helps people answer tough questions with important audiences. For example, I recently worked with a manager who wanted to tell an employee how terrible his writing was. He was going to say, ‘I’ve shown you how to do this many times and obviously you just don’t get it.’ That is a very negative way to frame a message.

Instead, I suggested framing through truthful positive reinforcement to give the employee the confidence and encouragement he needs to improve. Perhaps say ‘I see you’re still struggling with writing copy. I’ve made some notes and suggestions you can use to revise what you gave me. Please let me know if you need more help.’

Perhaps friends have invited you out for the evening, but you had your heart set on binging Emily in Paris while you eat ice cream in your pajamas. Instead of saying I’d rather watch TV alone than go out with you, thanking them and saying you have other plans is a positive white lie, but it spares hurt feelings.

While being honest is almost always the best policy, the key is to differentiate when telling the cold hard truth is necessary or when a little white lie might help preserve someone’s feelings.

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