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March 28, 2021 by Karen Friedman Leave a Comment

Why pet names are professionally unacceptable

We were losing 2 to 1 when Drew started spouting instructions.

“Move to the left when I serve.  Get up to the net faster. You should have hit a short shot.”

The game is Pickleball, a paddle-sport played over a tennis-type net on a badminton-sized court. I’ve written about it before as a lot of leadership lessons can be learned here.

“How long have you been playing?”, I asked him.  “About three weeks,” he responded.

Wow. Three weeks and he’s giving instructions? Even though I’ve been playing for a couple of years, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he knows something I don’t.

Fast forward three months later, I find myself as his partner on a court again. He’s still barking instructions.

The game begins and I miss a shot.

“From now on he commands, when the ball goes to the left of the line, it’s mine, don’t hit my forehand shots.”

As a student of the game, I understand he’s right. Typically, whoever has the forehand shot goes for the ball, but it’s not a rule etched in stone.

Next shot, we’re tied again, but this time it’s Drew who’s making mistakes. Missing serves, slamming balls into the net and giving up multiple points. I’m making my shots.

The ball comes to me at the left of the line, which he told me was his ball. Yet, I’m right there and he’s a few steps behind, so knowing I can put the shot away, I go for it but so does he. That’s when the two of us collide and we both miss the ball.

 “I told you, he yells at me, anything to the left of the line is mine.”

I know I say, “But sometimes the person who can get it should go for it.”

Completely agitated he begins lecturing me on how to play the game to which I respond, “Let’s just play.” That’s when he says, “Okay honey, whatever you say.”

That did it.

“What did you say?” I ask him.

“What did I say?” he retorts.

“You called me honey. My name is not honey. It’s Karen and don’t you ever call me that again.”

“What’s your problem?” he scolds.

“I’ll tell you what my problem is,” I replied. “I am not your honey. And you are an arrogant, condescending demeaning know-it-all.”

That’s when he said, “I’m done” and stormed off the court.

As I pondered this days later, I realized he had no idea why the word honey when used in this context was offensive. If he had said, “Great shot honey” or “You look terrific honey”, I would be more likely to interpret it as a term of endearment. However, calling someone honey while correcting and chastising them is demeaning and disrespectful.

If you think I’m being overly sensitive, consider this.

The U.S. Department of the Interior Office of Civil Rights says the use of words honey, dear and sweetheart in the workplace may constitute sexual harassment or discrimination. Even if you don’t intend it that way, the department says, “You should be aware that such expressions are inappropriate.”

It is important that people recognize these words make others, especially women, feel uncomfortable. A survey by the United Kingdom market research site One Poll found that almost three quarters of women think pet names in the office are unacceptable. Even though a pickleball court is not an office, I believe the same rules should apply.

Some of you may be wondering, what’s the big deal? The big deal is it’s never appropriate to minimize how someone else feels. If you have offended someone, rather than blame them for how they feel, try to understand why they were offended. What’s endearing to one person may be offensive to another.

If we don’t know each other well enough to use mutually acceptable terms of endearment, then refrain from calling someone babe, honey, sweetheart, love or darling. 

Even though these terms are often used without any malevolent intent, if you’re offended, it’s up to you to ask the person to stop referring to you that way and explain why.

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Filed Under: Philadelphia Business Journal Tagged With: business communication, Communication, delivery, Karen Friedman, leadership, presence, Professional, speaking

January 6, 2021 by Karen Friedman Leave a Comment

Quick Tip #101: How to Get Rid of those Fillers

Nothing damages a speaker’s credibility and distracts listeners more than those ums, uh, ah, you know, and other fillers so many speakers lean on. Learn how to get rid of them so audiences pay attention to your message.

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Filed Under: QuickTip TV Tagged With: business, communications, delivery, fillers, Karen Friedman, leadership, management, Media, message, pause, presentation, speaking, storytelling

December 1, 2020 by Karen Friedman Leave a Comment

Quick Tip #100: Moving with Purpose

Hard to believe but this month’s quick tip video, Moving With Purpose, is #100 from me. In monthly videos to come, I outline game-changing secrets of great speakers in a series of interviews with Dr. Jennifer Caudle.

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Filed Under: QuickTip TV Tagged With: business, Communication, delivery, Education, Karen Friedman, management, Media, pace, pause, presence, presentation

August 11, 2020 by Karen Friedman Leave a Comment

Why Agreeing to Disagree is OK When Having Difficult Conversations

In early March, I spoke with a friend who said she believed the coronavirus was “nothing more than a glorified cold”. She went on to say the media was going to send this country into a quick recession if they didn’t stop hyping the story.

I strongly disagreed and we argued. Like me, she is a former news reporter. She is also one of the smartest people I know. After our disagreement, we agreed to disagree but didn’t speak for a while.

Two months later she emailed me. Her healthy vibrant Mom had died of COVID. Living in a senior facility, Mom, who had no underlying health issues, contracted the virus. She was gone in six days.

I reached out to my friend who was clearly devastated. Opinions and political differences aside, we have always been there for each other and still are.

Weeks later, when we spoke again, we agreed we were both upset with the escalating COVID numbers. She said she was furious that states were making individual decisions that were hurting the economy. She strongly believed businesses should be allowed to open quickly.

I said if the country had a master plan and stronger leadership at the top, states could follow protocol. She disagreed. We debated some more and said we’d talk soon.

My mother is also in a long- term care facility that has seen COVID deaths, so like my friend, I have a personal connection to this story. However, as a communications coach who has helped companies navigate a myriad of crises for more than two decades, there are seven basic crisis principles that should be applied in every situation including:

  • Have a plan
  • Act quickly
  • Prioritize those who are affected
  • Be proactive and transparent
  • Take responsibility
  • Communicate early and often

As a proud citizen and business owner, I understand the importance of economic recovery, but not at the expense of lives.

New Zealand, South Korea, Vietnam, and other countries including nations in the Caribbean are now moving forward because they either banned incoming visitors in the early stages of the pandemic or quickly initiated quarantines. Some countries like South Korea developed their own testing systems while others simply responded faster to the pandemic.

In many of these successful countries, specifically Asia, they believe the government is responsible for solving the problem and instituted national plans that were quickly communicated to their people.

Putting people first is critical during any crisis and here in America, we failed to do that. In a recent survey by public relations firm Edelman, 71% of respondents said they would lose trust in a brand if they believed that brand was putting profits over people. With the United States leading the world in confirmed cases of coronavirus, the need for empathetic compassionate leadership has never been more important.

My friend and I haven’t talked in a while. We will. When we do, we’ll again agree to disagree. Fortunately, we care about each other too much to let it ruin our friendship. Unfortunately, nothing will change. She’ll stay on her side and I’ll stay on mine. She’ll hear me and I’ll hear her.

Yet, like so many on different sides of the discussion, we will be listening, respond and defend our positions, not understand and fix our collective problems.

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Filed Under: Philadelphia Business Journal Tagged With: business management, Communication, delivery, Education, Karen Friedman, leadership, Media, message, presence

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