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My meeting with two women I had never met was all set. Yet, when I arrived at the designated spot, introduced myself with a smile and said nice to meet you, one of the women turned her back toward me and ignored my greeting. I asked her if something was wrong, to which she waived the back of her hand at me as if she was waiving me away. So, I asked again.
“I’ve never met you before, yet it seems you have an issue with me, have I done something to offend you?” This time she looked right past me, walked away and over her shoulder said, “let’s just begin.”
Not sure what she was irritated about, I looked at the other woman who shrugged and then silently mouthed, “she didn’t like your text, but she’s always like this.”
Ah, the text! When we were trying to schedule the meeting at a time of her choice, I explained that the owners of the facility where we were meeting didn’t want us to arrive as early as she wanted to be there. She responded that she knows the hours of operation, doesn’t need me to tell her what to do and furthermore, she had gotten permission to arrive whenever she wants. I asked who gave her that permission and she curtly replied, “will you be there at this time or not?” Irritated and a little confused at her condescending dismissive tone, I simply said “okay” and stopped texting.
While some people are unintentionally dismissive, others very knowingly dismiss what you say. They are patronizing and uninterested in your thoughts or feelings. Perhaps trying to make you appear inferior makes them feel superior especially if they can do it in front of other people like a lion leading the pack.
I’m sure you’ve met these people at work. They can be hurtful, embarrassing and make you feel irrelevant. If you’re like me, your natural instinct might be to lash out and let them have it, but then you are stooping to their level. Furthermore, if you do that, they will find a way to blame you and tell others what a jerk you are.
Instead, consider the following five approaches:
While easier said than done, take a breath to stay calm. Remain friendly and nice. Even if they continue to dismiss you, you can take comfort knowing that you remained professional.
Calling someone out on their behavior is not the same thing as blasting them. If this type of behavior continues, consider telling them what is offensive and calmly ask them to stop. If it remains a problem, you may need to seek help from a manager or human resources.
Sometimes, what seems rude to you might be a cultural difference. The person I interacted with was from another country. Perhaps she thinks she is being direct and doesn’t realize how her words are perceived. The same is true when Americans travel to other countries. For example, we are used to requesting adjustments when we order meals. In some countries, that is considered an insult to the chef.
If you’ve tried to de-escalate a situation and find out what is bugging this person without success, then it may be best to just walk away. A dismissive person has no ammunition if there is no one to aim it at.
Remember that nonverbal communication is as important as what you actually say. If you do call someone out or walk away, be careful not to use negative or disapproving gestures such as rolling your eyes, crossing your arms or leaning too far into someone’s space. It’s also important to look them in the eye.
While you can’t always change someone’s behavior, you can change the way you react to it. It’s so easy to let a dismissive person put you on the defensive. However, if you handle their inappropriate actions appropriately, you will come across as professional and self-assured. They may not notice, but others will and respect you for it.
If you read my column, you know I’m an avid Pickleball player. That’s the paddleball-like sport that combines parts of badminton, ping pong and tennis on a small sized tennis court.
This summer I’m in a league where each division is made up of teams with players of the same skill level. I recently ran into someone whose team we were scheduled to play. This person who we’ll call Sarah told me she is more skilled than us is only playing in our division because the organizer needed to fill the spot. She said her team is better than us and the other teams in our division, but she didn’t mind playing down.
Other than my initial disbelief at how someone could be so arrogant and condescending, it made me think about the difference between cockiness and confidence. It also made me want to obliterate her team on the court when we played them.
The official definition of cocky is “conceited or arrogant, especially in a bold or impudent way”. Similarly, the definition of confident is “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities”.
At work, one can mistakenly be confused with the other, which can lead to incorrect judgements and misperceptions about people. For example, I have a client who is perceived as cocky. He is very handsome, well-spoken and impeccably dressed. Often when people meet him, they quickly size him up as a “pretty boy” with no substance. Because he is the highest performer at his company which comes with envied perks, he is sometimes seen as arrogant and conceited by those who are perhaps jealous or don’t know him.
I have gotten to know him, and he is anything but cocky. He is kind, funny, smart and even a bit insecure. If anything, he sometimes doubts himself because he’s always striving to improve. He is confident about his abilities, yet always craves coaching and honest feedback to help him continually enhance his skills.
In my experience, cocky people tend to brag or show off even when they don’t have the skills or know how to back it up. Confident people like my client recognize their strengths but are also keenly aware of their challenges and vulnerabilities.
So, what about the girl on the pickleball court? Cocky or confident? My judgement says both.
She’s cocky because she knows she’s good. She’s confident she has the skills to back up her words and she’s not shy about singing her own praises. Traits that are not always unattractive unless you don’t know how to display them which in her case came off as cocky.
Yet, here is where cockiness and confidence differ on the court or in the workplace. Unlike a confident self-assured person who can admit a mistake, seek help and strive to improve, a cocky person often rationalizes, passes the buck and rarely apologizes.
At first her team was winning but as the match progressed, we began to take the lead. That’s when she started blaming her missed shots on high winds of the day. When we began to amass points, she started correcting her teammate’s approach, not her own. Good players know to aim put away shots at their opponent’s feet. Sarah slammed one directly at my upper body and when it hit me, she didn’t apologize. I had been looking forward to this match because I wanted to make her eat her words. Unfortunately, we lost.
Striking a balance between cocky and confident is a delicate form of communication that requires a certain level of finesse. Here’s how to achieve it:
Use facts, not sweeping statements
Instead of declaring her team is better and they don’t mind playing down, if Sarah had said her team is undefeated and they hope their winning streak continues, that would have sounded less boisterous and more factual.
Offer praise, not sour grapes
Telling someone they did a great job or complimenting their work doesn’t detract from your skills. It actually makes you appear more self-assured and confident. Studies show when people compliment others, it makes them feel better about themselves. Research says at work, praise increases morale and makes people feel more valued.
Have something to learn
If you are a know it all, you may alienate people, loose opportunities and damage your reputation. Perhaps Sarah doesn’t care what her opponents think of her, but just as business colleagues talk to other colleagues, players talk to other players and Sarah’s arrogant behavior is spreading throughout the league. There are people who have told the league organizer they don’t want to play with her again.
No one is always right regardless of skill or expertise. If you make a mistake, apologize or own up to it. Admitting wrongdoing makes you look confident, not weak.
At the end of our match, my team congratulated Sarah’s team and said nice playing with you. She responded, “maybe we’ll run into you again sometime” to which I replied, “maybe we’ll see you at the playoffs.” Cocky? Not really. Admittedly, I was just trying to get under her skin. Yet, at this point in the season, we are right behind Sarah’s first place team in league standings. That means we may face them again if we get into the playoffs.
If that happens, we’ll play with confidence because we have worked hard at becoming skilled players. However, win or lose, we’ll leave arrogance and egos at home. Poor behavior in any environment doesn’t look attractive on anyone.
Karen Friedman Enterprises helps professionals combine style and expertise to better engage, command attention, minimize mistakes, convey vision and project leadership presence when communicating with key listeners and decision makers.